Yuletide Heartache
by eloquence-is-overrated
Summary: Christmas is usually Lorelai's favourite time of the year but the Christmas of 2004 wasn't a good one. Tragedy strikes. One year later, Lorelai and Luke look back. Tissues are advised. AU. LL. And yes I went there, I'm sorry. COMPLETE
1. It's okay not to be okay

**A/N:**** This was my story for a Christmas ficathon that I did with my two friends Mo and Lizzie. The guidelines were: a Christmas fic; a surprise had to be included and an eyelash curler had to appear somewhere. It was also meant to be a one shot … oops. **

**It was originally just going to be one long chapter but I decided – with the help of my beta - that I would spilt it into nine short chapters. Every other chapter will be a flashback (shown by cursive text as per usual). All nine are completed, so I will be uploading a new chapter every other day.**

**A big thank you to my beta, Mo and friend Lizzie for their blush-inducing responses to this story. **

**Enjoy and review, please!**

**It's okay not to be okay.**

The large bay window in Lorelai's bedroom was wide open, allowing an icy draught to slowly fill the room. Lorelai was sat on the window seat, her back leant against the wall for support, with her legs to her chest and a large mug of coffee perched precariously on her knees. She tilted her head backwards against the wall, her eyelids fluttered closed and she inhaled deeply; taking in the smell of the winter's night and committing it to memory. She smiled slowly, her expression wistful, yet there was a hint of pain etched on her face. It was a pain that had aged, grown deeper with every passing day; its scars etched in the premature stress lines on her young face.

The town of Stars Hollow had been obscured in a blanket of fresh snow, a picture-perfect Connecticut white Christmas. Lorelai had loved Stars Hollow at this time of year; it was magical. All the shops were decorated head-to-toe in Christmas lights and tinsel, a large Christmas tree stood in the town square and the town troubadour now sung Christmas songs. It was a time of celebration, joy and family. Lorelai had loved Christmas.

"Hey," Luke whispered softly into her ear, jarring her from her thoughts. She turned to face him and he swore he saw the faintest whisper of a smile cross her lips. A proper smile that is. Lorelai's smiles nowadays never quite reached her eyes. Her smiles seemed false somehow as if she was trying to kid others into thinking that she's doing okay; or possibly trying to kid herself. This one, however, seemed undeniably true. He smiled in response, glad to see some of the old Lorelai return, even if it was only for a second.

"Hey, you," Lorelai cooed, kissing him lightly. "What are you doing up?" she questioned.

Luke sat on the edge of the window seat, next to her legs, so that he was facing Lorelai. "Funny, I was going to ask you the same question," he countered, concern lacing his voice.

"Couldn't sleep," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders and taking a long drink of her coffee to avoid expanding, placing it on the seat under her legs once she had finished.

Luke sighed sympathetically, placing his hand on her calf, rubbing the soft skin soothingly. "How are you holding up?" he questioned, his voice quiet, almost as if he was afraid to ask.

She noticeably stiffened at this, turning her head to look out the window. After a few moments, she looked back at him and he noticed the gloss that had formed over her eyes. "I'm doing okay," she said, her voice cracking slightly with emotion. She gave him a sad smile, her eyes welling up, before she returned her gaze to the window. Her vision was blurred due to the unshed tears that had settled on her eyes, causing Stars Hollow to merge into a soft white haze.

He scooted closer to her, placing a finger under her chin and guiding her face to meet his again. "It's okay not to be okay, you know?" he said tenderly, giving her a small reassuring smile.

She met his eyes and nodded as a single tear fell and rolled down her cheek. She took his hand in both of hers and placed a firm kiss to the back of it. She lowered his hand, still holding onto it tightly, resting it on her knee. "And how about you?" she asked, looking at him directly this time.

Luke held her gaze for a moment. Swallowing thickly, he dropped his head briefly, letting out an exhausted sigh. He gave her a sad smile, reaching out to tuck a loose curl behind her ear. "I'm okay. I'm sad, but I'm okay," he said strongly, clearing his throat.

Lorelai let out a shaky breath, placing her hand to his cheek and running a thumb across his bristly skin. "Same goes for you," she said quietly, her eyes sincere, "You don't have to be so strong all the time. It's okay not to be okay."

Luke shrugged dismissively, ducking his head almost bashful. "I can't believe it's been a year, it feels like yesterday," he uttered sadly, breaking the silence that had settled in the room, "I just thought, it would have gotten easier in that time … but it feels just as painful as it did a year ago." Luke sighed sadly, looking at Lorelai in the hope that she felt the same way.

Lorelai looked lost, entranced by his words. The tears collected in her eyes although her expression hadn't changed. She absentmindedly ran circles across the back of his hand with the pads of her thumbs. Then, she gave the smallest of nods, meeting his gaze, unable to form the words but conveying through her eyes how much she understood.

"It takes time, I guess."


	2. No kissing in front of the nativity set

**No kissing in front of the nativity set.**

_"Luke?" Lorelai called excitedly from the entrance hall._

_"What?" Luke yelled back, rather impatiently._

_"Come here a sec_."

_He sighed, stopping his climb up the ladder. "Lorelai, do you want these Christmas decorations down from the attic or not?" he replied gruffly._

_"What kind of a question is that?" Lorelai scoffed._

_Luke rolled his eyes_._ "See, in order for me to actually get the boxes down from the attic, it requires me to be in the attic –strangely enough," he added sarcastically, "i.e. not downstairs,"_

_"I just wanna show you something, come down here!" she calle_d _eagerly._

_Luke sighed defeated and unhurriedly made his way down the stairs towards the entrance hall. He found her standing in the middle of the foyer, a wide smile on her face, one hand resting atop of her protruding belly, the other on her hip._

_"Hey," she drawled, looking at him innocently and then up at the ceiling. Luke followed her line of vision and spotted the cluster of mistletoe she had hung from the light. He grinned and slowly made his way over to where she stood, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her as close as her bump would allow. _

_"Hi," he said, his voice low and seductive_._ "What're you doing?" he questioned, feigning innocence._

_"Oh, you know, just standing here," she sing-songed, placing her hands on his chest and leaning into him, toying with the hairs that peeked out from his unbuttoned flannel shirt. _

_Luke let out a throaty laugh, "Just standing here, in the middle of the entrance hall?" _

_"Uh, huh," she nodded, failing to bite back a smile._

_"Under the mistletoe?" he asked archly, smirking slightly as she responded._

_"What, mistletoe?" she questioned innocently, looking up towards the ceiling and feigning surprise, "Well look at that! What are the chances?!"_

_Luke chuckled heartily, leaning closer to her_._ "So this wasn't part of your ploy to seduce me?" he asked playfully. _

_"Is it working?" she countered quickly._

_He smiled broadly. "You'll just have to wait and see," he teased, taking his time as he leant in for a kiss. Once he was just inches from her face he whispered, "I'm gonna kiss you now._"

_Lorelai giggled. "Thanks for the heads up," she said softly, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her lips to his, kissing him passionately._

_"Woah, woah, guys, not in front of the nativity set!" Rory said in a mock stern tone, as she opened the front door, interrupting them. She was laden with two boxes full of Christmas decorations. Perched on the top box was an old, worn nativity set. _

_The colour rose in Luke's cheeks as he quickly separated himself from Lorelai, who took great amusement in his discomfort. She laughed loudly. "What is that a rule or something? No kissing in front of the baby Jesus?" she asked Rory archly._

_"Well it's gotta be a sin or something," Rory reasoned walking into the living room. "I'll ask Mrs Kim next time I see her," she called over her shoulder teasingly, as Lorelai made exaggerated kissy faces towards Luke. _

_Luke rolled his eyes at her, trying to hide the small smile that crept onto his face. "Will you just get in there and help?" he asked gruffly._

_"Sure thing, Danes," she responded seriously, placing a light kiss to his mouth and grinning cheekily. "But you owe me a proper kiss under that mistletoe later," she said, pointing a finger at him warningly before disappearing into the living room._

_"We need tunes, right?" Lorelai asked Rory as she walked into the living room towards the stereo, placing a CD into the CD player and hitting play._

_"Of course, you can't decorate the Christmas tree without Christmas music. Now _that's_ a sin," she said seriously, as she attempted to untangle a set of Christmas lights that had inevitably managed to form itself into a giant knot since last Christmas. _

_Luke began his journey back up the stairs to collect the rest of the decorations that still laid abandoned in the attic, when he heard Rory call,"Oh mom! Have you shown Luke yet?" _

_Lorelai arched her eyebrow, unsure of what Rory was talking about, before realisation dawned on her face and she smiled. "Oh yeah! … Luuuke?" she called up the stairs, dragging out his name. _

_Luke sighed, halting at the bottom of the ladder. "Yeees?" he asked gruffly, dragging out the word in the same way Lorelai had._

_"Come here a sec." _

_Luke hung his head, exhaling deeply. "These decorations are never getting down from the attic," he muttered to himself, shaking his head. _

_He made his way back down the stairs, trying to hide his annoyance as best he could. "Yes?" he asked again as he reached the bottom step. _

_"Look what I bought!" Lorelai said excitedly, pulling a small stocking from behind her back and holding it up for Luke to see. The small stocking was almost identical to the three stockings that were now hung up on the banister, except this one had 'Benjamin' embroidered in gold on the front. _

_"Isn't it cute?!" Rory called, as she began to wrap the now unravelled lights around the Christmas tree._

_Luke smiled at Lorelai's enthusiasm, shaking his head slightly, "That is, eh, cute? But why did you get it now?"_

_Lorelai frowned, "What do you mean, why now? It's Christmas, duh!"_

_"No, I mean he isn't due until December 28__th __– after Christmas," Luke pointed out unnecessarily._

_Lorelai sighed, obviously have forgotten this little fact. "Pff, details," she scoffed, brushing past him and placing the stocking on the banister next to the others. "See, perfect!" she exclaimed, swivelling around to face Luke, a wide smile on her face. "Don't you like it?" she asked with a pout._

_Luke walked over to her, placed a kiss to her lips and another to her bump, "I love it, but for the love of God, please let me get the decorations down from the attic." _

_Lorelai rolled her eyes at him, "Okay, fine, go." _

_"Thank you," Luke sighed, before he made his way up the stairs once more._

**TBC**


	3. Denial

**Denial.**

Lorelai trudged into the Dragonfly Inn kitchen at seven thirty that morning, her eyes red and sore from tiredness. She grabbed a mug from the cupboard and slowly made her way over to the coffee machine, yawning as she poured herself a cup.

"Honey, what are you doing here?" Sookie asked concerned, as she entered the kitchen and spotted Lorelai.

Lorelai turned around, her eyebrows raised. "Um, getting coffee?" she stated questionably, pointing at the black liquid in her mug.

"No, I mean _here_, at the inn," Sookie said pointedly.

"It's a little something I like to call: running the place," Lorelai responded dryly.

"Lorelai," Sookie breathed, tilting her head sympathetically.

Lorelai looked towards her feet, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she avoided Sookie's concerned eyes. "What?" she asked, innocently.

"No one expects you to be here today, hon. Today of all days. Why don't you just take the day off? Spend some time with Luke, be together," Sookie suggested, her voice laced with concern and her eyes almost pleading.

Lorelai inhaled deeply and let out a shaky breath, she could feel the tears start to burn the back of her eyes again. "It's the day before Christmas Eve, Sookie, I can't not be here, there's way too much to do," she said tiredly.

"Michel and I can handle it. Just go home an-"

Lorelai sighed, almost frustrated, "I don't want to just sit at home and think about it, I don't want to dwell on things, I just want to be able to move on."

"I don't think it works like that, Sweetie.." Sookie trailed off softly.

"So, what?" Lorelai began, placing her mug on the counter much harder than intended, "Every 23rd of December for the rest of my life, I should sit around and cry, contemplate on what happened and what could have happened? I don't want to do that!"

"There's nothing wrong with wallowing, Lorelai," Sookie said seriously.

Lorelai let out another frustrated sigh, "I don't need to wallow!"

"You're in denial."

Lorelai scoffed. "Sookie, I am not in denial, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine," she argued, trying to keep her voice at a calm level but failing, a slight anger in her voice.

"You're not fine, Lorelai," Sookie said softly. "I don't know why you feel the need to hide the way you're feeling! People understand… it's not easy," she continued consolingly.

"Yeah, well maybe it would be easier if people left me the hell alone," Lorelai said sharply, before walking out of the kitchen, grabbing her coat and heading out the front door.


	4. It's baby time

**It's baby time.**

_Lorelai shot upright in bed, one hand clutching her protruding stomach and the other clawing into the mattress for support. A course of pain shot up her spine and across her lower back, she failed to hold back the cry of pain that arose from her now agape mouth. _

_Luke awoke abruptly, turning to find Lorelai upright and hunched over slightly, her hair curtaining around her face. He scrambled to get upright himself and attempted to quickly brush the sleep out of his eyes. "Lorelai?" he asked._

_"Luke!" she called out, her voice shaky and pain ridden. She reached out for him with her hand and grabbed a handful of his pyjamas._

_"Lorelai, what is it? What's wrong?" he asked worriedly, quickly sprinting into position behind her, supporting her back._

_Lorelai exhaled deeply trying to keep her breathing under control. "I think it's baby time," she said in a strained voice._

_"Wait, what?!" Luke exclaimed._

_"The baby's comin' round the mountain, Luke," she said sarcastically, using her best efforts to pull herself to the edge of the bed._

_"But, but, he's a week early!" he said exasperated._

_"Yeah well, they tend to come whenever they want to, babe," Lorelai said through gritted teeth as she felt another contraction begin to rack her body and she let out a pained cry, "Holy mother of God, I forgot what this was like. Luke, we need to go to the hospital, like now," _

_Luke was snapped out of his daze by Lorelai's cry and snapped into action, rubbing her back soothingly and whispering comforting words into her ear as he was taught to in many a birthing class. "Hospital, right. Damn you're gonna need a night bag, did you ever get round to packing one?"_

_Lorelai looked guiltily at him. "No.. I'm sorry.. I started but then I got distracted by- ah," she was cut off by another contraction. She bent over double, resting her hand on the nightstand for support, her eyes scrunched up in pain. Luke ran to the bathroom and grabbed anything and everything he could find and stuffed it into one of Lorelai's bags before running to the dresser and grabbing as many of Lorelai's comfy clothes as he could find._

_"Luke, the contractions are really close together," she called to him urgently._

_"I've got everything, let's go," he said running back over to where she sat on the edge of the bed and taking both of her hands in his, "Right, can you stand on three?"_

_Lorelai nodded sagely, gripping his hands tightly. "Okay: one, two, three," he counted, lifting Lorelai up on three and wrapping his arm around her in support. He immediately felt her body weight being pressed against him. He slowly helped her towards the door, grabbing the bag he had packed and swinging it over his shoulder._

_"Luke," Lorelai said quietly, stopping him._

_"Lorelai, what, what is it? Another contraction?" Luke questioned worriedly, holding onto her tighter._

_"Luke," she whispered again. "Our baby boy is coming," she said softly, her voice full of excitement, her smile huge. _

_Luke smiled at her and kissed her meaningfully, "Let's go meet him." _

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**I'll probably upload chapter 5 later this evening because this ones reeeaally short.**

**Hope you're enjoying! Please review and let me know!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Christmas isn't the same when you're not freezing your butt off.**

She understood Sookie's concern, she did, but it had been a year. What had happened, had happened and sitting at home wallowing all day wasn't going to change that. She had accepted it. All she was trying to do now was move on and she didn't understand why people couldn't respect that.

After walking out of the inn, she began to wonder aimlessly towards town. Before she knew what she was doing, she found herself outside Luke's Diner. Through the window she could see it was packed, but she could just about make out her husband through the mass of people. His blue baseball cap and flannel shirt standing out like the star on top of the Christmas tree. She walked up the steps and through the door into the diner. The bell above the door announced her arrival and as people saw her a hush fell on the diner. The townies began to look at her curiously, a couple of people whispering to each other conspiratorially.

"Alright, nothing to see here, get back to your food, you lunatics," Luke called gruffly, as he made his way over to where she stood. He gave her a peck in greeting and cast her a concerned look, "What are you doing here, everything okay?"

"Yes," Lorelai said, trying to keep the irritation out of her voice. "I just wanted some coffee," she explained softly.

Luke gave her a small smile. "Of course. There's a seat at the counter if you want, I'll be with you in a minute," he suggested, gesturing to the empty seat as he moved behind the counter and into the kitchen.

Lorelai sat down at the counter, wrapping her coat tighter around her cold body, looking around the diner still conscious of the many eyes that were inevitably turned her way.

"Lorelai, honey, how are you?" Miss Patty's broad, sympathetic voice came from behind her, startling her slightly.

Lorelai placed a hand to her chest and swivelled in her seat to face her. "Patty, hi!" she said, trying to muster up enough enthusiasm to give her chipper tone some conviction, "I'm well, thank you. How are you? Ready for the holidays?"

Patty ignored her question, tilting her head, her eyes half concerned and half curious, "Are you really fine, honey?"

Lorelai sighed and rolled her eyes. "Patty," she said warningly.

"No one would blame you honey, if you weren't," Miss Patty said quickly but consolingly.

"I appreciate your concern but I'm fine, really-"

"Patty!" Luke called angrily from the kitchen door. He quickly made his way over to the counter.

"Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going," Miss Patty said to Luke, putting her hands up in surrender. She placed a hand on Lorelai's arm and said softly, "You just let me know if there's anything I can do, okay?" before going back to her table.

"I will," Lorelai said politely, before rolling her eyes at Luke, "God, what is with everyone today?"

Luke smiled sympathetically at her, shrugging his shoulders, "They're just worried about you."

Lorelai rolled her eyes at that too. "Yeah, well, I wish they'd all get over it and leave me be," she said impatiently, fidgeting on her seat and resting her elbows on the counter, fingering off her gloves, the anger evident on her face.

Luke grabbed a cup from under the counter and started to pour coffee from the pot into it. Once he was done, he handed her the cup which she gratefully accepted with a quick 'thank you' before taking a large glug of the black liquid.

"Are you okay?"

"Yep," Lorelai answered shortly, taking another sip of her coffee.

"Are you su-" he began, but was cut off by Lorelai.

"You know, I was thinking, we should decorate," Lorelai said abruptly.

"Decorate?" Luke asked, confused by the unexpected change in subject.

"Yeah, it's Christmas, I think we should decorate. I mean, all of the good trees are probably gone by now but we still have that old synthetic one in the garage, right?"

Luke furrowed his eyebrows confusedly, "Uh, yeah, I think so." He leant on the counter, so that his face was closer to Lorelai's, "But, I thought you didn't want to decorate?" he asked softly.

"Well, I changed my mind," Lorelai said simply.

Luke sighed and looked at her warily. "Lorelai, I don't know if it's such a good idea…" he trailed off.

"Look, we can't dwell on the past Luke, we need to move forward, move on. This is all a part of the process, we need to carry on as normal and I really think decorating will help," Lorelai pleaded, her voice surprisingly calm.

Luke contemplated this for a moment, dropping his head slightly before raising it again, "Okay. If you're sure. But just wait for me, okay? I can come by at lunch and help."

Lorelai smiled, leaning over the counter to place a kiss to his lips. "You're the best!" she exclaimed as she stood up from her stool. "Can you put this in a to-go cup?" she asked, gesturing to her coffee.

Luke nodded, pouring the liquid into a to-go cup, taking a doughnut out of the case and placing it in a bag before handing both to her. She smiled gratefully. "Thanks," she said shyly, "Bye, doll."

Lorelai walked across the square, slowly drinking in the sight of a snow covered Stars Hollow. She took a sip of her coffee when her phone began to ring from inside her coat pocket. She saw Rory's name flashing on the screen and smiled. Pressing the answer button she said, "Well how's my little news reporter?"

Rory let out a soft laugh on the other end, "I already told you Mom, I'm not a reporter. I'm only an intern."

"Well, _I_ know that, but everybody else doesn't need to know," Lorelai said playfully.

Rory laughed weakly, followed by a short silence. "So … how are you?" Rory asked pointedly, her voice gentle.

Lorelai sighed. She knew this was coming but she was secretly hoping that she would be able to get through the day without hearing those same three words from every single person she encountered. She sat down on a nearby bench, looking around, before she answered, "Fan-daba-dosy," with just a hint of sarcasm.

"I'm sorry, that was a stupid question," Rory uttered, shaking her head and inwardly cursing herself.

Lorelai suddenly felt stupid herself. There was no need to take it out on Rory, "No, honey, it wasn't, I'm sorry … I'm fine, sweets. Really."

Rory rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, you sound it," she said sarcastically.

Lorelai scoffed. "Well … I'm sick of everyone asking me how I'm feeling every five seconds and talking to me as if I just lost a limb," she said tiredly.

"They're just worried about you, Mom. I'm worried about you," Rory added sadly.

Lorelai's mouth opened slightly. She tilted her head sympathetically although Rory couldn't see her, "Aw, hon, you don't need to worry about me."

Rory sighed at her mother's naiveté, as if she could do anything but worry. "Luke said you haven't been sleeping," she said cautiously.

"When did you talk to Luke?!" Lorelai asked disbelievingly.

"Plus, I just feel so bad that I can't be there. I feel like I'm abandoning you in your time of need," she said sadly, ignoring her mother's question.

"Rory, come on," Lorelai began pacifyingly. "This internship is such an amazing opportunity for you and its only three weeks. There's no way you could have passed it up. So please don't feel bad, enjoy it, babe," she said sincerely.

"Okay," she said simply, not sure of what else to say.

"So, how is California?" Lorelai asked.

"Good. Although I have to say, Christmas isn't the same when you're not freezing your butt off," Rory said seriously.

Lorelai laughed genuinely at this, "Well, you know what they say: a cold ass is a sign of a great Christmas."

"People say that?" Rory asked archly, smirking slightly.

"No, I just made it up, but hey, maybe I'll turn it into a thing."

Rory laughed softly, "I miss you, Mom."

Lorelai exhaled slowly, "Me too, babe."

"Call you tomorrow?"

Lorelai smiled. "Speak to you tomorrow," she said gently before hanging up. Lorelai took a sip of her now cold coffee before chucking it into the bin. She stood up from the bench and made her way across the square, marching towards her house, jamming her hands into her pockets to keep them warm, her head held high to avoid the concerned glances of the many people of Stars Hollow.

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**Thanks to all those who have reviewed so far! Keep 'em coming**


	6. Silence

**Silence.**

_Silence._

_Silence was all she heard. _

_It had come to the eighth and final hour of her labour. She had soldiered through the excruciating back pain, ridden out each contraction accompanied with roaring protests and almost breaking Luke's hand in the process. She mustered up all the energy she had left to push for that final time, with the hope that it would be over in a matter of seconds and she would meet her baby boy. _

_The silence penetrated her ears, in a way that an absence of noise shouldn't. _

_Silence. _

_Silence?_

_Something's wrong, was all that she thought._

_The next couple of minutes were a vivid blur. She heard worried babbling between the midwife and doctors. Someone was calling for help and others quickly transferred Benjamin onto a side table. They hid the boy with their backs so Lorelai couldn't see what they were doing to him. _

_Lorelai looked around frantically, her eyes wide and red from tiredness. She called weakly, "What is it? What's wrong?" She got no reply. She tried again, even weaker than before; still no response. _

_She turned to Luke. She was crying now, her voice coming out as a fast, almost inaudible whimper. "Luke, Luke, what's wrong? What are they doing? Is he going to be okay?" she fired at him, the tears streaming. She had grabbed a hold of both his hands, holding them in hers, pleading for something, anything. She had crossed into panic now. Her hands were shaking, her lower lip trembling and her heart pounding violently against her chest._

_Luke looked as panicked as Lorelai, his wide eyes had a teary façade, but he attempted as best as he could to appear strong for Lorelai. She was going to work herself into a panic attack if she didn't calm down. He placed his hands on her cheeks, guiding her face so that her terrified eyes reached his. He smiled at her softly. "Lorelai, listen to me, okay? Everything's going to be fine. The nurses are going to take care of him and he's going to be fine. Just let them do their thing and try to calm down, okay?" he spoke just as softly, just as reassuringly. He pushed her wet hair back from her face and placed firm kisses to her sweaty brow and hairline._

_Lorelai nodded, although the tears still flowed and the shaking still remained. Luke placed his forehead to hers, his hands cupping her cheeks as she cried softly. He whispered consoling words into her ears as she continued, despite his words, to work herself into a panicked state. _

_And then, abruptly, a sound broke them from their bubble._

_The sound of a baby's cry._

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**Thanks to all of you who are reviewing! They make my day xD**


	7. Breakdown

**Breakdown**

One and a half hours later, Lorelai was in the midst of decorating the living room. The synthetic Christmas tree was up, the mistletoe had returned to its infamous place on the upstairs ceiling fan and the Christmas music was playing softly in the background, filling the house. Many empty boxes, which used to contain Christmas decorations, now lay scattered across the living room floor.

Lorelai looked around the room, a soft smile on her face. She walked around the room, taking it all in, when she noticed an unopened box. She stood over the box, slowly opening each flap to reveal what was inside.

Laid a top the pile of decorations in the box was one tiny stocking.

Lorelai's smile vanished slowly as reality hit her like a ton of bricks. Her lower lip began to tremble, her eyes swimming. Lorelai felt her throat constrict until no air reached her lungs and she had to take an abrupt gulp of air. Her chest felt tight as she attempted to breathe normally.

She reached out and traced the gold outline of 'Benjamin' with a quaking finger, as involuntary thick tears escaped and cascaded down her cheek. A strangled sob escaped her mouth as she got a hold of the stocking, clenching the material into two fists and gently brushing the pads of her thumbs over the soft material. She held the material close, hugging it and inhaling the scent of it.

A rush of images flew through her mind.

Discovering she was pregnant. Telling Luke. Telling Rory, Sookie, her parents, the town. The first scan. The first time she heard Benjamin's heartbeat. The first time she felt him kick. Painting the nursery with Luke. Arguing with Luke about whether 'Paul Anka' was an appropriate name for their child. The long nine months of waiting: nervously, impatiently, but excitedly. The moment of comprehension, when they both realised that within a couple of hours their child would be born.

Labour. Eight excruciating hours. The moment she felt release and waited for the cry of her baby boy that she thought would never come.

The next three days: the longest three days of her life. Filled with a pain like she'd never experienced before. A pain that made her heart burn. A pain that made her stomach coil. A pain that made her head spin until she couldn't bare it any longer. A pain that made her want to scream at the top of her lungs 'why'. A pain that would remain for a lifetime. A dull thud in the background. A permanent reminder.

Unanswered questions. Waiting. Wondering. Hoping.

Crying.

Lorelai's cheeks were now wet with tears, which were still flowing thick and fast from her bloodshot eyes. Her nose ran and her chin quivered. She looked around the room as if she hadn't seen it before. Her fists still clenching the stocking for dear life, the skin around her knuckles white from the tension.

"It's not fair," she mumbled, her voice thick.

"It's not fair," she said, louder this time. "Why, why me ... why my baby boy," she said tearfully, as she began to rifle through the box, recklessly throwing its contents around the room with a greater force than she knew she had.

She moved over to the tree, her sad eyes tracing the many baubles that adorned it. She gently removed one of them from a branch, turning it over in her hands. Her vision was blurred from the tears, so she could only make out its shape. However, she could feel by the weight of it that it was one of the glass ornaments her mother had given to her years ago. Without thinking she violently threw it in the direction of the wall. With contact came the satisfying crash of glass breaking. It felt cathartic in an odd way.

Before she knew it, she was grabbing any ornament she could and firing it blindly around the room. Towards the wall, the lamp, the TV, anything. The rest was a blur. She tore around the room, stripping it of any decoration, screaming with a rage that she'd been holding back for a year. Her rampage came to an abrupt halt as the crashing sound of the tree hitting the oak floor awakened her senses.

Her breaths came in quick shudders, broken by small uncontrollable sobs. Her pink, teary eyes wide with fear as she stood in the entrance hall, looking around the living room in shock.

"Lorelai?" a voice came from the front door. In her daze she hadn't even heard it open.

As Lorelai turned to face Luke he noticed her tear stained face and rushed over to her. He caught a glimpse of the living room on his way and stopped, his mouth agape. "What … what happened?" he asked softly.

Lorelai looked around the room again uncomprehendingly, her eyes wide and unblinking allowing the unshed tears to collect there. "I … I …" she attempted, looking down at the stocking which she was still clutching, as if she had never seen it before. The lamp light caught on the gold embroidered letters, as she moved the fabric between her fingers and both their eyes cast across the word 'Benjamin'.

Lorelai's knees buckled beneath her.

Luke lunged forward and caught her, helping her down gently. They both sank to the floor. Luke held Lorelai in his arms and they rocked together. He stroked her hair and placed tender kisses to her temple.

"I don't know what … I … I didn't mean to …" she uttered, her voice thick with emotion and tears.

Luke held her closer, rocking her still. "Shh," he cooed into her ear. "It's okay, you're okay," he whispered.

They sat on the floor for what felt like forever. They cried in each other's arms, comforting each other in a way that no one else could, mourning their loss. Together.

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**I'm loving your kind words, please keep reviewing! **

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I think its my favourite, hehe.**

**Only two more chapters left! I assume you guys have figured out what happened?**

**Also, I changed my pen name from 'GilmoreGirl96' to 'eloquence-is-overrated' how do you guys like it?**


	8. We need to talk

**We need to talk**

_Lorelai and Luke had spent the last two days in the Special Care Baby Unit. They sat in hard plastic chairs next to where Benjamin lay in the hospital crib. Lorelai's arms rested upon the ledge of the crib, her head leaning on her arms as she slept. Luke sat slouched on the chair watching over his wife and child, his body weak with exhaustion but unwilling to rest. _

_His mind buzzed with the events of the last twenty four hours. Lorelai and Luke had quickly been informed that Benjamin had been born with nuchal cord. It was a rare case. Due to the position of the boy in the womb, it had not been detected on scans. The umbilical cord was wrapped around the child's neck and body, restricting the flow of oxygen and blood to the brain. Due to this, Benjamin had been on a life support machine for the past 24 hours._

_Lorelai's head slipped from her arm and she woke abruptly, looking around frantically. "Is he okay?" she whispered, her voice wrenched with emotion and exhaustion. She looked from Luke and then down to her son. He was asleep. She watched the laboured rise and fall of his chest as the machine flooded oxygen into his tiny lungs. _

_"Why didn't you wake me?" Lorelai accused, resting her chin on her arms, her gaze not leaving Benjamin._

_"Lorelai, you've been through a lot, you need to rest."_

_"No. I don't want to miss anything," she stated stubbornly._

_"You didn't miss anything, you were only asleep for 15 minutes," Luke said pacifyingly, leaning forward to stroke her back soothingly._

_"Promise me you'll wake me up if I drift off again?" she asked quietly._

_Luke sighed tiredly, "I promise."_

_"Thank you," Lorelai said simply. She focused her attention back on Benjamin, let her eyes drink in the image of him and commit it to memory; the elegant shape of his face, his button nose, his fine coating of blonde hair, his small hands and feet, ten beautiful fingers and toes. She breathed deeply taking in his smell, that indescribably amazing pink baby smell._

_She turned to face Luke smiling weakly, "Can you pass me my bag?" she asked randomly, pointing to the bag that lay by Luke's feet. He nodded and handed it to her wordlessly._

_She slowly searched through it. With a perplexed look on her face, she slowly pulled a small object from the bag, "Did you pack my eyelash curler?"_

_Luke looked confused for a second, before he registered the object she held in her hand. "Is that what that is? It was on the counter, I was half asleep, I packed anything I could find," he said sheepishly. "You may also find a razor and some batteries in there," he joked half-heartedly._

_Lorelai laughed, but the act sounded wrong somehow. It ended as soon as it had come, trailing off into the silence._

_Not soon after, a young doctor's voice broke it, "Mr and Mrs Danes?" At the confirmation from both of them she continued, "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"_

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**Only one more chapter left! Hope you're enjoying my story. Thanks again to all those reviewing/following/favouriting my story; it means the world to me! Let me know what you think about this chapter :)**

**I am going to be away for the next two days as I'm visiting a university which I've been offered place from! So I will upload the last chapter on Thursday :)**


	9. In Loving Memory

**In Loving Memory**

"Luke!" Lorelai groaned. "What are you doing?" she asked for the fifth time. Luke was standing behind her, his hands placed over her eyes. He guided her as they walked out of the front door.

"Stairs," Luke warned, as they reached the top of the porch steps.

Lorelai sighed. "Luke!" she whined again, the snow crunching beneath her feet as she took cautious steps.

Luke rolled his eyes at her, "Lorelai, I told you: it's a surprise."

Lorelai made an exaggerated grumble, "Lu-ke! I'm not in the mood for a surprise."

Luke ignored her, steering her towards the plant beds that line the right side of the house, stopping her towards the end and positioning her right in front of his surprise, "Okay, here we are, you ready?"

"You betcha," Lorelai deadpanned.

Luke exhaled deeply, slightly nervous, he slowly removed his hands from her eyes. She squinted her eyes for a moment, adjusting to the whiteness of her yard.

Her eyes focused on a miniature fir tree that was planted into the ground. She didn't quite understand the significance of the tree, opening her mouth to question it, before she noticed a glint of gold on the side of the tree. She moved closer to get a better look and spotted Benjamin's stocking hanging on the tree from one of the higher branches. Her breath hitched only slightly but she continued to investigate the small tree. On one of the lower branches was a small, personalised ornament with 'Merry Christmas Benjamin' written across it. She smiled at this. Her eyes welling up slightly, she turned her neck to look at Luke.

"Luke.." she breathed, "This is –"

"Actually," Luke said softly, cutting her off. "There's one more thing," he said, pointing his index finger at the roots of the tree.

Lorelai looked to where he was pointing and saw a small plaque that had been placed by the base of the tree, anchored by the soil. She slowly bent her knees, lowering herself to a crouching position so that she could get a better look. Tears clouded her vision and she couldn't quite make out what was engraved on the plaque, but she could guess. Her eyes welled up once more at what Luke had done for her, for them. She blinked rapidly to clear the tears and read the plaque:

_Benjamin William Danes  
December 23__rd__ 2004 - December 25__th__ 2004  
Three days together,  
in our hearts forever._

Lorelai heaved a shaky sigh. She smiled wide, a smile that lit her tear filled eyes. She gently traced her finger along the edge of the plaque.

"I know we have the grave, but I hate cemeteries, so I thought this would be nicer," Luke explained gruffly, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward shyly.

"It's beautiful," Lorelai whispered. "Thank you," she said sincerely, twisting her head to look up at Luke.

He smiled warmly at her. "You're welcome," he said simply.

She turned her head to face the plaque, still on her knees and exhaled deeply. Her eyes misty, she placed two fingers to her lips, placing a soft kiss to them and then lent forward, placing her fingers to the plaque.

Softly she said, "Merry Christmas, baby boy."

THE END

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**Annnd I have officially completed a story for the first time in my life! (I have a habit of not finishing stories, its terrible, I know, I know!)**

**Thank you to all my readers who stuck the story out, hope I didn't disappoint!**

**If you liked this story please follow me! As I have many more ideas which I would like to pursue.**

**Also please check out the story 'Teens on Coffee' another Gilmore fic which I am writing with my friend, Mo. We've been gone for a while but chapter three will be up shortly and chapter four is in the works, so stay tune! :)**

**( s/9454728/1/Teens-on-Coffee)**

**I dedicate this story to Mo, Lizzie and Nora; who I could not live without.**


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